my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
