I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
