Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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