I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
