I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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