i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
