I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize