Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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