When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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