Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
