he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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