In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
