people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
