She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize