I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
