also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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