I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
