I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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