she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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