You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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