So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
