There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
