pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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