Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
