News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
