I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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