I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
