you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
