I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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