worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
