There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
