every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
