i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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