somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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