One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
