I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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