so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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