I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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