i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
