I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
