This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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