the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
