My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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