i'm signing you up for texting rehab
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
