I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
