i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
