Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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