That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
