can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Randomize
