Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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