3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
there was a trapeze. enough said
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize