just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
