i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You need a sexual gate keeper
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize