How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
