Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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