what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
