Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
