If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
