the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
