You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
