I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
