I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
